Wednesday, February 21, 2007

My Roommates Man


My roommates boyfriend was asleep on her bed when I woke up this morning. Snoring loud and his drawers crunched up into his ass. He had crust in his mouth and all in his eyes. She is so in love with him but he is such a dog. He tried to kiss me yesterday when she was in class. She gave him a key to our place so his lazy ass could sleep here while she is gone. His shoes smell and he leaves a mess. There's hair in the sink, the shower and he stinks. He has the nerve to try to cheat on her with me like I would give that sorry ass loser a shot. They have a mother son relationship, and it is pretty sick to watch her put him down in front of me. He still lives at home with his mama and she just can't let go. I hate him and I'm starting to hate her for giving us another room mate. I might tell her when she comes back that he tried to kiss me yesterday. Knowing her dumb ass she's gonna say something like I'm lying or I might be mistaken. Why are women so stupid? I want him out of here. Maybe I should come on to him and let her see how he gets into it. Let her walk in on us. It's shady but it might be worth it. He needs to wash his face first.


Busted

Dear BUSTED,

Having to climb on top of or get close to a smelly crusty dude is no way to make a point. Tell him that his advances aren't welcomed. Warn him that if he continues you'll inform her and then it'll be their problem. Roommates and boyfriends don't mix. Get a single room if you can afford it. Let them sort out their own dysfunctional relationship, but ask her to clean up his droplets if he won't. Hopefully, the semester is ending and you can find a not-so-hostile environment.

Advice to everyone: Get a single, the headache isn't worth it. Unless, you can find someone you know, but even then set ground rules early.

Good Luck!

~~secret keeper

Jerk On The Train [Fiction]


I was late for the 8:30 am train. It was raining too. If I'm late again. Third time this week. Boss lady is a bitch. She must have her period! Back of the train. I heard a smacking noise. Didn't see anybody when I got on. The train stops. Old man in the front gets off. Train takes off. Smacking noise again. I turn my head. Young guy with a tank top and a thick silver chain. He's right behind me to the right. Didn't notice he was that close. Loose pair of shorts. Blurry at first then very clear. Stroking himself. Right in front of me. Looking right at me. I can't believe it. I turn around real fast. Smacking noise is faster and louder. I look around again. He's ugly. He's in a trance. He goes slower. Trying to be romantic? He's sick. I'm sick for looking. If I look away he might move closer. The train stops. I get off. He probably gets off. I got excited by mistake. I watch him from outside the train. He stopped. I think. He moves closer to the window. Staring at me. Looking sad. Sad that I got off the train. I've betrayed him. Ruined his day. The door closes. I put my foot in the door. I get back on the train. I can't be late for work. I sit in the last seat in the back. He can't see me now. I can't see his pants now. He can't see my skirt now. He looks around at me. Does he know? Does he know what I'm doing now? No. He can't know. Does he? Who cares? I'm as sick as he is now. I put on my shades so he can't see my eyes. It was quick. Quicker than he was. He hears my breath. He knows. He smiles. Here is my stop. I get off. He doesn't. I feel dirty. Long walk to work. My boss is at my desk. Answering my phone. She ignores me. I put down my bag. I go to the bathroom. I throw my underwear away. They were soaked. I'm sick aren't I? Or just lonely. I go back to my desk. A message. See you at 6 on the train. Unsigned. I need to buy underwear at lunchtime. Today is going to be the longest day.

Jerk Lover



Dear JERK LOVER,

I see you like danger. Would you still be enjoying it if you couldn't get rid of this person? People are sick and you really should've called the police. Just because you both were empty and looking for something, anything, don't mistake this for love.

You need to find a normal relationship, with a normal person, and only occupy full cars on the train. This could've ended very badly and danger and excitement can be a bad combination.

Advice to everyone: Don't do things to put yourself in danger. Trouble is everywhere. Keep your eyes open and avoid any funny looking situations. Seek well-adjusted individuals and create your own illusions of excitement, within appropriate boundaries.

Good Luck!

~~secret keeper

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Welcome Welcome Welcome!!





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